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Hello Dr. Saltzman:

My name is Craig. I am 22 years old and I was wondering if you could maybe help me out with an issue that has been bothering me.

I have been with my girlfriend for about 5 months now. She is 27 years old. She sleeps over my house almost every night and whether we have sex or not before bed, she has sex dreams almost every night. Sometimes she even moans in her sleep. The problem is that the dreams are not with me. They're with people she works with and so on.

This morning she i woke her up for work and she was in the middle of a sex dream with the Director of Finance that she works with. He's in his late 40's.

Now i was just wondering if this is normal and I have nothing to worry about or whether these are fantasies that she would carry out?

If you could PLEASE help me with this issue I would be extremely happy.

Thank you for your time.


Dear Craig--

In many (if not most) human to human interactions, sexual attraction or sexual repulsion is a large part of the mix. Often these sexual vibrations are not felt explicitly, but just beneath the surface--the sexuality is felt largely unconsciously, in other words. Age, social position, and other such factors have little to do with this kind of attraction and repulsion since the sexual "vibes" between two people are felt immediately, before any thoughts about the other person, before any conversation takes place, and often regardless of physical appearance. In other words, this kind of sexuality is, at root, a body-to-body, below the surface communication which may involve unconscious factors such as body odors (pheromones), as well as signals sent by unintentional body language, sub-sonic tones of voice, the widening of eyes, etc.

One way that humans deal with having to live in this raging ocean of sexual vibrations is through dreams in which the attractions are acted out. Dreaming about these attractions does not necessarily mean that one would like to carry them out through physical sexuality in the waking world. Your girlfriend does not need to dream about sex with you because she can act that out in the physical world whenever she likes, but her dreams may indeed be helpful to her in balancing out the sexual feelings towards and from others which, like all of us, she must experience as she goes through her working day.

Since your girlfriend is significantly older than you, I am wondering if you feel threatened by her dream sexuality because she has more sexual experience and perhaps more sexual confidence than you do. In any case, if hearing about her dream sex life disturbs your peace of mind, perhaps she would agree not to share the content of those dreams with you.

Be well.

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