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Buenos Días,

Y óomo amanació?

Not too long ago I asked a psychiatrist if he might explain to me why, the better I get to know a woman, the less attractive sexually she becomes to me. I had already mentioned to him that my mother had been married 6 times. He replied that I was an Oedipal victor - meaning, I suppose, that I had won my mother without the battle ? I wonder if you might help me to connect this answer with my question? My initial reaction to the oedipal victor response was that I found it rather clever and, actually, funny. I still do but would like to understand it more, I see no advantage to anyone in using my name, however, feel free to use it if you see it as necessary.

Regards from cool and soothing Lake Tahoe,


Dear Ian--

The advantage to using a name is that it makes it a bit easier for others reading your letter and my reply to imagine you as a real human being like themselves, and so, perhaps, to be able to apply what I tell you to their own situations.

Yes, in your case being the oedipal victor (a Freudian term) means that since your mother never gave her heart completely to an adult man, you, as a child, did not have to compete for it, so now, having been able to win Mom without much of a battle, you are not much motivated to fight the battle to win not another woman's body, but her heart. I agree that the Freudian analyst's answer is clever, but I wonder if it is not a bit too clever, for, after all, it does not really explain anything much, and certainly offers no approach to learning the skills of real intimacy with another person, the lack of which, I assume, is your real complaint.

I think you might benefit from a course of psychotherapy--not with a cold fish Freudian please!--aimed at revealing to you your hidden and heretofore denied needs for real affection (apart from mere sexual gratification), for seeing and being seen by another human being, and for truly loving which, in my view, is the highest development of a human life.

Be well.

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page last modified February 28, 2006

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