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I was wondering if you could help me or not. I am 7 months pregnant and my boyfriend is only obsessed with the lack of sex he is having. The reason for the lack of sex is that when he was scared to be a father he was picking fights with me (for months at a time) to try to push me away and the only thing he wanted from me was sex. He would even get his family to lecture me and let me in on their secrets--yuck.

I have had a hard past with being sexually molested as a child and raped. I keep telling him that if I feel forced into it then it feels like I am in those situations all over again and he has known this all along so it is no surprise to him. Do you have any suggestions for me on how to deal with him as I am getting to hate the whole topic all together and would rather be without for the rest of my life.

It is so frustrating to be seen only as a bootie call instead of the mother of his child and a human with feelings.

I need help ASAP please.

Christa, 31 years old

Prince Edward Island, Canada.

Dear Christa--

I know that these days many women choose to become pregnant without being married, but in my opinion this is usually--almost always--a mistake. From your letter, it appears clear to me that this man does not love you, has never loved you, and that his principal reason for being with you is pursuit of his own sexual gratification. In other words, as a "girlfriend" you are little more than a sexual toy, and your boyfriend has been using you as if you were a paid prostitute. With the legal, financial, and emotional ties that you would have had as a wife, this type of relationship would be much less likely to occur. In fact, in my practice I advise that young women not even think of sex without reliable contraception unless they are happily married already. In other words, these relationship matters should be well worked through and in good shape before a baby is in the offing.

Please understand that I feel for your situation, and that these words are meant neither as a judgment nor to make you feel worse than you already do, but simply as an advisory to the many other young women who visit my site and who may benefit from hearing them.

Although I do not imagine that you will like hearing my advice, nor do I imagine that you will follow it, I will counsel you anyway as you have asked that I do. But before telling you what I think about your problem, I want to repeat what I have written often in my replies to previous questions:

Here on this site I do not pull my punches. In other words, if you approach me for advice, I will tell you exactly what I think, withholding nothing. I do endeavor to be as kind and gentle as possible, but will neither pussyfoot nor beat around the bush. That would only be a waste of my time and yours. So if you ask a question, please be prepared for an no-nonsense reply.

That said, here is the advice you asked for:

1. Get away from this man as soon as possible. I assume that you live together, so in my opinion you should move out and find another place to live right away. Do not even think of having sex with this poor excuse for a man again unless and until you get a serious apology from him for the abuse and mistreatment he has brought into your life, as well as a serious promise that he will not be repeating this kind of abuse. In my opinion, you should refuse even to speak with him unless and until you get that apology.

2. Find a good therapist--perhaps one suggested by your gynecologist--and begin work on healing your unfortunate past sexual history. Please take my word: with the proper help you can heal this damage, but until you do, you should not even think about being sexual with anyone, including, and especially your boyfriend. Unfortunately, women with your kind of sexual history almost always end up being abused by "boyfriends" until they can come to terms with the childhood abuse they suffered. This is because women who have been raped and otherwise abused seem somehow to attract the kind of men who will be abusive. I have seen this frequently in my work.

In other words, Christa, if he wants to be with you and with his child to be, your boyfriend will have to come to see the error of his ways, make you believe that he as seen that error and will not be repeating it, and also learn to keep his penis in his pants until you are ready to be sexual again. If he cannot do these things, he's not worthy of you, and you should tell him so in no uncertain terms. To help with this, please take a look at the letter from a women who felt obligated to give her boyfriend oral sex even when she did not want to.

Possibly this advice will seem harsh or extreme to you, but, as I see it, you were mistaken in getting involved with this guy to begin with, and there really is no reason to compound the mistake be allowing the abuse to continue any longer. In other words, in my view, the sooner you get away from this selfish, ignorant "boyfriend" the better. Getting away from him will have two advantages. In the first place, the abuse will stop; and make no mistake about it: you are being abused by him. In the second place, there is a chance that the shock of suddenly being without you could wake him up to the error of his ways (but that is a long shot).

If you do have the courage to leave him and so to regain control of your body and your life, please write again and tell me how you are getting on.

I wish you the very best with your new child to be.

Be well.

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page last modified JJuly 26, 2007

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