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Dr. Saltzman--

To tell you the truth, actually your answer to my question wasn't very helpful at all: I must say that I am more than irritated by your response. Nonetheless, I shall try to make sense of your answer in a way that may make some things clearer to you.

First of all I was not stalking her. I wrote her many letters, and tried to call her. ALL OF THESE WERE ATTEMPTS AT APOLOGIZING FOR MYSELF. There is absolutely no malicious intent. . . unless you count trying to re-befriend someone you've hurt as a malicious endevour. She may not have wanted the contact, but that's the problem. . . she thinks the worst of me. She holds a grudge against me for something I did not do.

You state that the meetings were not mutually pre-arranged, but if we were to reconcile or to "make-up" then one of us has to take initiative, right? Well, I tried, but to no avail. I used to think it was the right thing to do, to go and show someone a sincere apology, but no one seems to care how sorry or regretful I am, or how much I really want to make things up to them. Of course I understand that you don't know the full story, and neither do I. But there has to be SOME way to make things better between her and I, so that neither of us are hurting like this anymore.

The only thing you are right about, is that it is a cry for help, a cry to find the SOULUTION to my relationship trouble, so that my ex can know that I just want us to be on good common ground with each other again. To have no harm against her. I'm not wanting to hurt her, I'm wanting to appease her hurt and get her to understand that.

On the one hand, I can't go make things up to her because she'll just tell me to leave. But on the other hand I can't continue living a life just wishing and waiting for something to happen that isn't going to happen unless I take the initiative. So yes, I am at a dilemna Doctor. But what is the answer?

Hello again, Chad--

I am sorry that my reply did not work for you. I do hope to be helpful to everyone who writes with questions--and many people have written to report that my words have helped them--but I do understand that advice from my point of view as a psychologist might not help everyone equally.

Yes, it is true that you did not give me any real information in your first letter, such as the grudge that she holds against you, and why she is mistaken, but I do not think that matters much. It was apparent to me from your first letter that this woman does not wish remain open to you. I do not know how you can change that. After all, this is not just about what you want, but about what she wants too.

I do not know how you can stop hurting except by coming to understand that not every problem has a solution, that not every love works out well, and that attachments to others can cause pain and suffering as well as pleasure and happiness. In other words, real life is not like a romantic movie where everything works out well in the end. Often lovers end up crying for the loss of their love. That's why they call it the blues.

You are not alone in your suffering. This kind of loss is a normal part of human life which, sooner or later, must be accepted by all of us, just as we must accept many other kinds of losses, illnesses, and eventually death. Perhaps hearing this will prompt you to understand and begin to let her go.

I suggest that you do everything possible to get over your obsession with this one particular person, and move on in life to other experiences and other friendships. I imagine that some counseling would help. That is my advice, if you can hear it.

Be well.

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page last modified December 27, 2007

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