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Dear Dr Robert,

My name is alisa. i am eighteen years old and i have a three year old boy. always being a single parent and never really dated before being pregnant at 15. I've been seeing a guy for one year. we lived together, where during the week he'd be nice gentle caring. He's very possessive but that was kind of nice. i suffer depression from my weight issues and he's very sure to tell me that i am beautiful. I've lost two children to him which i think is also a factor but every time he drinks he punches me and also the walls. we break up and then i feel like i need him, that i am never going to find anyone that loves me and my son. i am trying to be strong but i've lost my friends, witch means i can't keep my head from thinking about him. please help me i don't want to go back for me and my son


Dear Alisa--

You already know that you are being abused by this man, both physically and emotionally. As you describe him, your boyfriend sounds like someone with serious emotional problems. someone who can not possibly be any good for you or your son.

I think you also already know that as long as you continue this relationship, your life, as well as the life of your child, is at risk. There is no telling when the violence and anger your boyfriend already accepts as part of himself, and that you have been tolerating too, could escalate into murderous rage. This has happened countless times before to other women whose husbands or boyfriends were knocking them around from time to time, perhaps when drunk, or maybe when drunk with anger, or maybe even when sober.

But drunk or sober is all the same really, because reasons, explanations and excuses have nothing to do with this kind of abuse. The point is that this sick guy is beating on a defenseless woman, and each time he does it he damages her both physically, and emotionally.

None of this is your fault in any way, Alisa. You have done nothing to cause your boyfriend to beat you up. You have done nothing to deserve being beaten up. You just mistakenly got hooked up with a wrong kind of guy. When you leave, he will look for someone else he can beat up when he is "drunk."

Once someone has acted out with the kind of violence you describe, that person is liable to just "lose it" completely in a fit of rage anytime at all. In other words, you could find yourself being beaten to death by this man.

I strongly advise you, I urge you in fact, to find a battered woman's shelter by telephone right now, and go there today for help and advice. They will know how to help you with your weight and self-esteem issues, as well as helping you to stay away from this dangerous abuser. They will also know how to help you to heal the pain of having become a mother while still a child yourself.

You can find the shelter nearest you by calling this toll-free telephone number from anywhere in the US:


Alisa, phone them now please.

Be well.

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page last modified September 6, 2006

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