ask dr-robert

ask dr-robert ask psychologist todos santos ask psychologist dr robert saltzman

Greetings Robert--

This is not necessarily a question or seeking advice, just something for you to chew on.

I am a mid-30s female, very attractive and sexy in a traditional way (I can't go anywhere without someone trying to "hit on me"), who has the libido and attitude towards sex of most males, and I always have, even as a teen.

Sure I believe in some sort of "love" if you must (as a matter of fact, I have been happily married for quite some time), but sex to me is a completely different entity. I have an incredible sex drive and have been around long enough to learn that my thoughts and attitude are more male than female. I am very attracted to males, and sex is what it is, a pleasurable activity and a primal instinct. Sure, it can be better if you are with someone with whom you have a mental connection, but not necessarily.

I have no guilt in doing what I please in that way--quite the opposite--and my partner understands that (we have incredible communication). Not that I am with all kinds of people (rarely do I venture), nor very often, unlike many females who are promiscuous due to various circumstances (usually sexual trauma as children).

Now keep in mind, I had a perfectly "normal" childhood with very loving parents- very "healthy" by most standards, was never raped or assaulted or had any horrible relationship experiences (just the typical ups and downs), but ALL of my life, have had this attitude and I don't see it changing as it is who I am. I seem to be an unusual person in this regard, and I'm okay with that. I'm only writing to let you know not all "typical" straight females with no previous trauma or current underlying issues have the same feelings and attitude here as most seem to. Like I said, more male than female for the most part, and certainly not gay or masculine in any way.

Hope you can use it.



ask dr-robert ask psychologist todos santos ask psychologist dr robert saltzman

Hello, Sandra--

Thanks for writing.

By and large, women's sexuality, under the influence of powerful bonding hormones, is more oriented towards attachment than the sexuality of men which is more oriented towards orgasm, but this is only a generality which says nothing about the sexual interests of any specific person. Some people, both men and women, have almost no interest in sex, while others (of both sexes) think of little else, and still others—most of us—find that our interest in sex lies somewhere in between those two extremes.

Recent research has shown that testosterone levels tend to determine the strength of the individual human sex drive whether one is male or female. For example, according to Dr. Patricia Love (2001):

Scientists have known for decades that male sex drive is correlated with testosterone . . . a hormone produced in the testes and adrenals. While testosterone has been conclusively shown to highly correlate with male libido, it was long dismissed as a facto in the sex drive of women. Then in the early 1990’s, Dr. Barbara Sherwin, a researcher at McGill University in Montreal, published her classic study showing that women who received a testosterone treatment reported a greater upsurge in sexual arousal, more lustful fantasies, a stronger desire for sex, more frequent intercourse, and higher rates of orgasm.”

Although you seem to think that your attitude towards sexuality is unusual and somehow "masculine," many women in my experience feel more or less like you do, which does not mean that they live out all of their desires, of course, but only that they have them, that they are aware of them, and that they are able to separate their sexual desires from feelings of love they may have for one particular man or another.

Yes, it is true that more men than women participate in sex merely on the physical level without needing any kind of emotional bond, but this inclination is by no means rare or unusual among women. In fact, in my professional work I find that women in general seem to demonstrate more realistic attitudes towards sexuality than men in general, including understanding that sex is one thing and love quite another as you wrote.

Although people with a history of childhood sexual abuse often do find themselves participating in unloving forms of sexuality, there also are those, such as yourself, who simply enjoy the physical sensations of sex—much in the way one can enjoy dancing, for example, without having to be in love with ones dance partner—and who have no history of sexual abuse or other trauma.

My advice to clients is to enjoy life, including sexuality, without worrying about what others think or do. Each of us is unique, and each must find his or her own way.

Be well.

Thanks to your support, "ask dr-robert" has become the world's number one ask the psychologist site.

Pass it on:

Tell a friend about this page!
Their Name:
Their Email:
Your Name:
Your Email:
(all information remains private)

Or, if you find the site worth sharing, link to from your webpage, newsgroup, discussion forum, or blog.

return to ask dr-robert archives

page last modified August 11, 2008

copyright robert saltzman 2008 all rights reserved