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Today 8/30/2008 i woke up at 4:45 am and my husband wasnt in the bed, i went to the bathroom, the kitchen etc, to look for him, he wasnt there, i went to my 6 year old daughter room and he was sleeping there with his hands outside the blanket, i ask him what was he doing and he said that she was crying so he went to her, i told him to come to our bed and he said he'll be right there, i left the room in the dark and i went to my room, he got up when i was in my room and went to the bathroom to go pee and brush his teeth, i got up again to check on my daugther and i pulled out the blankets, she was sleeping on her tummy with her pajamas off her body, well only off one of her legs (the right side) i freaked out, i called my husband and i showed him that, he said he didn't know she was like that and was acting normal, she wake up and i asked her why was she sleeping like that, she said she didn't know, but after said papi (my husband) took her pajama off, and that he said it was hot, i talked to her alone, she said she was so sleepy, i asked her if he touched her she said no, i asked her if he has touched her before she said no never, i asked her if he ever had taken her clothes off, she said no, so i let her go to sleep again. I talked to my husband about it and he said he just went there because she was crying and he was feeling really bad because he knows how all this looks, he said that he loves me and the kids and that he will never hurt us, we couldn't sleep after that, i told him that i was gonna buy a baby monitor to lisen to my 6yr old when she crys and that he was not to go to her room at night when she is crying, or sleep on her bed, he agreed, he said all this was a coincidence, and to do all i needed to do to feel better, but that he feel really bad. he didn't act surprised or mad when i saw him there, i didnt know what to think, i cannot believe that he will do something to my 6 yr old, i have never seen nothing suspicious before, i talked to my daughter again and she says that he took her pants off but that he didnt touch her and they were just sleeping, she is my daugther only not his, we have another daugther together but she only 6 months, i dont know what to think. please help me and give me an advise PLEASE!

i'm sorry about the grammar,i speak spanish, but i hope you understand my concern, and email me back

thank you,


ask dr-robert ask psychologist todos santos ask psychologist dr robert saltzman

Hello, Thelma--

I had no trouble understanding your letter, y tambien hablo el idioma, pero escribiré en inglés para los que no lo hablen.

Your story is a troubling one, and I am not surprised that you are upset and terribly worried. The problem, if I understood not just your words, but also the feelings behind them, seems to be this: you must protect your daughter, and you are absolutely certain of that, but you wish you could believe your husband because if you find that you do not believe him your entire life will be turned upside down.

If I could speak directly with your husband, with you, and also with your daughter, I might be able to advise you better what to believe, but since I have not met any of you, I am not able to do that. Still, I do know that your daughter's story is particularly worrisome because she has no reason to lie [la historia de su hija es muy molesta porque ella no tiene ninguna razón de mentir].

You asked that I give you some advice. Here it is:

Since you already know for sure that you must protect your daughter who is only six years old and should not be the target for the acting out of anyone's sexual desires, much less her mother's new husband, I advise you to look deeply into your own heart. Just quiet your mind for a moment, and look deeply into your heart [calmarse la mente y consultar el corazón]. I imagine if you look very deeply into your heart that you will know what happened or did not happen.

If you find in your heart—no en pensamiento, sino en sentimiento—that you believe your husband—not just that you want to believe him, but that you really do believe him—then you have no more problem. If you find that you do not believe him—that you feel that he acted out sexually with your daughter—then you will have to act immediately to protect your daughter in any way necessary. You will have to take steps, and take them firmly and with no wiggle room [tomar medidas correctivas con nada de flexibilidad].

Here are the steps I would suggest:

1. Have another conversation with him—a serious one. Tell him that you have tried to believe him and that you cannot. Ask him if he will now tell you all about it. If he says that he will tell you all about it, ask him to go to a counselor with you when you talk about it because the counselor will know how to help him and the rest of your family. Then find a counselor as I will explain below.

2. If he claims that he already has told you all about it, then you will have to go to the counselor alone in order to get the help you will be needing to get through this mess. The counselor will listen to your story, and will support you. She will explain what resources are available in your community to help to protect you, your six year old daughter, and your newborn little girl. You can find a counselor by telephoning to a woman's hot line, or a woman's shelter in your area. These will be listed online.

I sincerely hope this helps you, Thelma, because I know you love your little girl and will do everything necessary to protect her from molestation, even if that means having to leave your husband.

Be well.

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