ask dr-robert

Dear Dr. Saltzman,

I came upon your website and read the past questions and advice you have provided. My question is similar to one of the questions that you have previously answered about how a boyfriend is addicted to porn. However, my situation is slightly different. I know that my boyfriend has and watches porn, but it has never been a problem for me since he doesn't do it in front of me. A few times we have even watched it together and I was ok with it.

The specific situation that I would like to ask about happened recently. After we came home from work and before dinner we started playing around and we ended up making love. I call it "making love" because it was very passionate. When we were done we went to the living room and started checking email and watching TV on our laptops. About 30 minutes later I noticed that he was looking at something on his screen with a pink and purple background. He was actually looking at naked women and had his hand down his pants. He wasn't necessarily masturbating, but he was touching himself

I thought about saying something immediately, but after a few minutes (when the website he was looking at was no longer up) I asked him what he was looking at. He said it was just some pictures--porn. I asked him if he would like it if I was staring at naked men. He said no and said he was sorry. I went to the bathroom and took a shower because I did not want to be in the same room with him. When I came out he tried to talk to me and told me how sorry he was and that he never meant to hurt me. I just told him to give me some time because I was very hurt and I didn't know what to say.

It has been a few days and I am still not speaking to him at the moment because I don't know what to do. I feel disgusted and hurt. I know he's a man and that they are visual sexual beings, but I think he just went too far. I don't even want to be intimate with him anymore right now. I guess I would like to ask for your advise on what I should do in this situation.

Thank you very much for your time

Sincerely,

Elena



Dear Elena--

I see nothing wrong in a person's enjoying pornography or enjoying masturbation if that is what he or she likes, but these activities should take place in private unless both parties want to share that kind of occasion.

In addition, I imagine that you felt particularly insulted because your boyfriend needed the porn right after making love with you, which I imagine felt to you as if the sex, which apparently was very good for you, was not sufficient for him.

Yes, it is true that in general men are more interested in looking at pictures of bodies than women are, but that has nothing to do with this issue. I suggest that you simply tell this guy to keep his pornography hobby to himself if he wants to keep your affection. Further, I suggest that you refuse to look at any more pornography yourself, because in sharing it with him as you did, he may have felt that you were giving him permission to go further with it.

Show him this letter if you think it will help.

Be well.