ask dr-robert

I've been truly enlightened by your appraisal of passive aggressive behavior. I'm concerned, are these guys dangerous? I'm married to one, but I never realized that it was really a diagnosed personality pattern.

He likes to do things with our money, pay bills late. He's been horribly verbally abusive to our son. He even calls the dog "DOPE". He recently moved our car on me in a crowded mall and made me wait 2 hours for him. He pretends that he was looking for me. You get the picture. We are currently not speaking because of it. He usually apologizes begrudgingly but I think he's beginning to realize that I'm on to him. He often threatens to leave me but the last time he did it, I didn't stop him.

My son has been telling me for years that he, my husband, was a game-player. Do you have any suggestions for managing this guy? I realize that I'm going to have to get out of this situation--or is there hope? He doesn't think he's ever wrong, and insists that I'm crazy, paranoid. He asks me "Do I scare you, are you afraid of me?" He's about to do some craziness with his retirement. How urgent this is, is up to you.

Yes, he has been violent and I have a picture of it, although he claims he just threw a magazine at me, which is true, but the welt was pretty impressive. He lifts weights.

Thanks,

Joan Bonnell

Dear Joan--

Passive-aggressive personality disorder comes in many flavors from the most mild to the most severe. Without meeting your husband, I cannot say how physically dangerous he is. His wounding you badly enough to leave marks is not a good sign, however, and even if he never hurts you further, having to live in fear of a big, strong man is already a kind of emotional wounding.

I have given some tips on how to deal with passive-aggressive behavior in another ask the psychologist reply. And, if you don't mind some talk about "God" (personally I listen to what makes sense to me and just ignore the fairy tales) you might also like to look at the suggestions given at at this website.

If all else fails, you might consider much more seriously the idea of living without this person in your daily life.

Be well.

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