I have been reading all the advice you have given the mass amount of
individuals on your site and I am throughly impressed. I am now
hoping you can help me.
I am a 23 year old female who has been in a relationship for 3 months
now. My boyfriend (25 years old) is truly amazing for the most part,
as far as how he treats me and it is very clear that he loves me. He
repeatedly tells me he has never felt this way before, and he told me
fairly early that he loved me.
I myself love him very much but at the same time know that the love in
our relationship is not even. If he tells me he loves me I always say
it back and if he shows me affection I do the same but somehow it is
very clear to me and him that he loves me just a bit more (maybe
because I do not initiate the loving gestures as often as he does).
He is highly intelligent and is aware of this and has begun playing
games or making calculated moves to see how I would react and I
believe, in effort to make me love him more. Recently he told one of
his friends who is a girl how "hot" she looked right in front of me (i
am quite sure to make me jealous), and he has told me some jokes (that
would certainly turn any girl off), and then tells me he is kidding
and just wanted to see if it is something i would breakup with him
over.
This is really starting to consume my head and bother me and I am
slowly building up anger towards him. However, I feel if I confront
him about it, he knows exactly what bothers me and might use it in the
future to annoy me again. I was thinking if I "play it cool" he would
stop that behavior because he would realize it isn't working. What
should I do?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Tina-Marie (Miami, FL)
Hello, Tina-Marie--
As I hear your question, it all comes down to what you hope to find in a sexual relationship with another person.
If you are looking for a situation in which you have the upper hand and can control your lover, then it makes perfect sense to use tactics like playing it cool, flirting with someone else, withholding sex until you get what you want, or any of the other tried and true ways of manipulating sex partners (and by this time, believe me, I have heard them all). However, in my view, even the winners in this kind of combat are losers. They lose the opportunity to have an honest interconnection with another human being. And that kind of connection, grounded on candor and mutual respect, offers the only possibility of truly being seen, heard, and understood in this lonely life, which is the deepest desire of almost all of us whether we know it or not.
Look, Tina-Marie, suppose you do decide to play it cool and this has the desired effect of making your boyfriend stop trying to make you jealous. Now he never talks about other women, never even looks at them, never makes jokes, never challenges you in any way. You have won the game, and gotten what you want. But you already knew you could win that game, since, as you wrote, he "loves" you more than you "love" him anyway (quotation marks because that kind of "love" really has little to do with real love, which means that you respect the other person, hope for the best for that person, and desire for him or her to find happiness in life no matter what).
OK, your tactic worked, you have won the game, and now you have a boyfriend whom you can control whenever you like just by playing it cool. Congratulations, and here is your prize: instead of a partner with whom you share a real, human interconnection along with the chance to be seen, heard, and understood, you have a slave you can control anytime you like just by playing it cool. That's the booby prize if you ask me.
In my opinion, you would do better to stop thinking in terms of manipulation and gamesmanship entirely, and just have a serious conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings and his, about your hopes and his, about your view of your relationship and his. You might initiate this conversation by saying something like this: "You know, you seem to be playing games with me, trying to make me jealous. Now you say you are just kidding, but there must be more to it than that. What is really going on? What are you feeling about us?"
Now, in the course of such a conversation, you may find that you are not really suited for each other, and if that happens you will have saved a great deal of suffering, because then you will be able to stop these games before you get even more involved, and one or both of you ends up crying. On the other hand, you may find that you really do love each other, and that you both need to stop measuring which of you "loves" the other more, and just get on with it. In any case, real conversations--honest ones without scheming, manipulation and games--are the key to finding what almost all of us human beings seem to want: the chance to become truly intimate with another.
Be well.
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