ask dr-robert

Dear Doctor,

I wonder if you can shed some light on a situation in my family.

My younger brother has always been very close to our mother (as the eldest, I always felt he was her favourite, surprise surprise!). When our parents surprisingly divorced 13 years ago, I think he took it particularly hard as it was our mother who had an affair and left our father (for the record, I hold them both responsible for letting their relationship drift to the point where it led to an acrimonious divorce). In other words, mommy dearest wasn't best anymore. Nevertheless, he moved in with her for about 2 years while studying where she had moved--again, this tie to the apron strings.

Eventually, our mother started to develop her own life and my brother, by now a full-grown man, left her house. My suspicion is that he realised that she had a life outside of his sphere and in the absense of 100 percent attention, he left.

He then started putting demands on me to make our relationship 'closer', that he did not want our relationship to drift like that of our mother and her sister. I agreed that drifting was not desirable, but I also feel that as family, I don't mind if he takes me for granted and wish he would do me the same favour and not take any neglect on my part as personal. Also, since we live on different continents, it's not always easy. In any case, I am aware he wants a closer relationship with me. Fair enough.

Now, here is the point of my question: I recently married my partner of 13 years and we've just had a baby, and I get the distinct impression that my brother is jelous of my baby. His correspondence has been curt and the latest is blatantly argumentative. Upon querying his tone and meaning: silence (Is it possible to 'virtually sulk'?). Does this seem odd?

What it boils down to as I see it, as our mother moved on in her life, my brother looked to me to play a similar role, but now that I have a family and child of my own, I sense a kind of sibling rivalry between my brother and my daughter.

Thank you for your observations and time in this.

All the best,

Elka



Dear Elka--

You seem to have this figured out pretty well. Now what remains is to act on what you know. I suggest that you simply be honest with your brother about what you see and feel, including the fact that your new baby and your husband are the center of your life now, not him. Perhaps he will be able to accept that fact for what it is: the natural truth of your own situation. Perhaps not. In either case, you will have given him some real information about his place in your life, and he will have to take it from there. After all, it certainly is not your job to provide new apron strings for your brother no matter how much he might wish for that.

Be well