ask dr-robert

Dear Doctor--

I moved to the States after I got married. Before we got married my love for my husband already had vanished for many reasons including long distance relationship and and my getting involved with another man, but unfortunately I had to go along with the marriage for cultural reasons.

Since the wedding, I am completely disappointed with him. Being more than eight years older than my husband had not been a problem before marriage and may not be the problem now but I'm not sure. When we got married he became a completely different man. Actually it was the same day that we got married that I found him a different person from the one I used to know. He was no longer willing to pursue me or even interested to be with me. He is traditional, practical, which is everything I hated in a man. Rather than the open-minded husband I used to know, he is telling me that he wanted a traditional wife. He hardly ever helps in the housework and he even asks me how much I'm willing to share in the house expenses because that is what his mom did after more than 11 years of marriage.

I also feel that he is a miser and he is not willing to pay for most of my expenses. He does not say it openly but he insinuates it although he earns a lot of money and we live comfortably. Coming from another country, I don't know exactly what my rights are and what he should or should be responsible for and how much money is he entitled to pay me. I'm a huge saver by the way and mostly I don't spend any money on myself.

The problem is even more complicated by the fact that he is not an emotional person and romance is almost not there in our relationship. Our sex life is not great either because he is willing to go for two weeks or more without sex and when I talk about it, he either pretends that he does not understand, or implies or says directly that he is busy.

When having fights even for the slightest disagreement, he is verbally abusive, he calls me names and he acts crazy (throwing food on the floor, breaking something or even tearing a shirt that I gave him as a gift apart).

I suggested visiting a psychiatrist or a marriage counselor but he does not want to do it. Now feeling lost and nostalgic for my country, going through the whole dilemma of cultural difference, being away from my parents, family and friends together with the lack of communication with my husband makes me think negatively of him and of my life here.

What do you think and how should I handle my situation?

Thank you in advance and hope you get back to me shortly.

Marian



Dear Marian--

You married, you wrote, "for cultural reasons," but I am wondering what those reasons really were. Why did you feel that you had to marry a man you did not love, and who obviously does not love you? What kind of "culture" would make a woman feel that she was forced to sacrifice her sexuality and her freedom to that kind of marriage? And if there is such a culture, why should its demands and requirements be respected in the least or obeyed at all?

Now, after bowing to your "culture" by marrying this man whom you did not love, you are finding out that your slavery to that culture has only just begun. According to your letter, your husband has no interest in you as a lover, friend, or companion, but only as a kind of property which he can take for granted. This attitude , I imagine, is just another part of the same culture that you felt required you to marry against your real interests and contrary to the truth in your heart.

You sound terribly unhappy with your life, and I think your unhappiness is appropriate. It is a terribly sad situation for a human being to be treated like property. You ask me how to handle this situation, so I will give you my best advice without softening it in any way. You have a very simple choice, Marian. It is a choice that all human beings have. You can keep on being a slave to your so-called "culture," or you can wake up to the fact that you were a human being before you were a member of a family, a believer in a religion, or a cog in the machine called "culture." Then, having awakened to this obvious fact--the fact of your being, your existance, your personal awareness prior to the ideas of others--you can begin to live life based on your real needs, real feelings, and real understanding as an individual person.

After a short time on this earth, each of us will die, and so, while we are still here, why not really have a life? When I say "really have a life," I mean have a life which belongs to you, not to family, country, "god," or culture. I mean live a life which is not a second hand life, dictated by a bunch of old habits, customs, superstitions, and religious nonsense called "culture," but a personal life rooted in ones own experience, ones own understanding, ones own requirements as a human being. It is all up to you.

Marian, in my opinion, marriages like yours are why divorce was invented.

Be well.