ask dr-robert

Hi Dr. Saltzman,

My husband and I are having problems with his father (his mother is deceased, and his father is married for a second time). In short, he claims to be a born-again Christian, but he doesn't practice what he preaches.

Whenever any of his three children (all now grown in their 30s) don't do as he sees fit, or the "right" way according to him, or his way, he threatens to cut them off or does cut them off by not speaking. Our latest issue with him involved meddling. As a result of our confronting him, he's cut off our 9 month old son. (My husband's grandfathers were deceased when he was little, so it was important for him to have his son have a relationship with his grandfather.) My husband met with him (and his father tried shaking his hand at first) and told him WHY the meddling was a big deal, and he tried to leave twice, claiming he had nothing to do with it. He still won't apologize (he thinks my husband owes HIM an apology).

He says we've kept him from his grandson. He even told his pastor that. He also believed a lie that his brother heard about my husband. Knowing my husband, anyone would know it wasn't true. He didn't even ask him about it. He acted like my husband was keeping it from him. Anyway, he basically treated my husband like crap at the meeting (my husband called him 4x to try to set up a time to meet with him, and got no return phone calls), and when my husband said "so you're not going to talk to any of your children"...he replied, "if that's what it takes".

I am at my wits end. The latest is we are having my son baptized Catholic. My husband invited him, and he said he'd have to "check his schedule at work". What kind of a person is this? My problem is, he goes around acting holier than thou, yet acts like this. To his own children and first grandchild. People think (as I and my family did) that he's a great guy, but he's really not. He's like a child.

My question is, how are we supposed to handle this? Enough is enough. I've already told him he acts like a hypocrite, but he is "so far gone" in religion that he doesn't think he's wrong. He and his wife manipulate the Bible so to speak so it is solid rule concerning others but not for them. Very sickening. Especially when they constantly try to convert people.

Do we just cut him off and periodically have him see his grandson? Or cut him off totally? Please help. I'm asking everyone, but I need an unbiased opinion. Right now I can't even be civil towards him. An apology is all it would take. But he doesn't get it.

Thanks for your time.

Angel, 34, PA



Dear Angel--

Judging from what you wrote, your father-in-law is one of those people who use religion to avoid coming to terms with our real, and obvious situation as human beings. When I say "real situation," I mean the clear fact that the future is completely unknown and unknowable--including whether or not there is a "God" or a so-called "Heaven"--and including that the so-called prophecies in the holy books such as the Bible and the Koran may be as real and also as unreal as fairy tales. Once this is seen, one knows that living responsibly now, and caring for the people around me, in this eternal present, is the only positive gesture available to us. In other words, by imagining that one is "saved" and will be going to an eternal heaven with "God," one is spared the requirement of living this moment as if it had real value and real importance.

In this way an entire life can pass, never being truly and fully lived, while the religious nut spends his or her days imagining that he or she knows what "God" wants, and dreaming of a final reward in "Heaven" (which will be especially beautiful if one is allowed to watch, and savor ones superiority, as the infidels, sinners, and psychotherapists burn in "Hell").

In my experience, this kind of religious nut often abuses others, and rarely accepts responsibility for the harm her or she does (just look at the way that Muslim fundamentalists feel virtuous in killing those who do not agree with their barbaric beliefs). In short, I do not imagine that you will get an apology from your father-in-law. In other words, the real question here is not about your father-in-law, who seems to be a sad, lost, deluded person, but about you and your immediate family. Usually, in my opinion, it is better for children to know their ancestors, even when the ancestors are unpleasant people. So I would recommend that you hold your nose and allow your child to see grandpa if you can stand it. It may help a lot if your husband would accept that relations with his father may never improve, and that he should stop trying. Then he can relax, see his father as a deluded fool, and just let his father's comments roll off his back instead of taking them so much to heart.

By the way, to those who believe that I am an enemy of religion, and like to send me mail with Biblical quotations or lines from the Koran, before you write, please take a look at my answer to an earlier email on this subject.

Be well.