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Dear Dr. Robert--

I am a 41 year old woman living in Chicago, Illinois. My question is: How do I make it clear to my boyfriend that I don't think it's his right to ask me for oral sex when ever he is simply aroused. He thinks I should just want to pleasure him no matter how or when he asks.

Thank you,

Cynthia V.

Chicago, Ill.

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Dear Cynthia--

The way to make something clear to another person is a two-step process. First you must be clear about it yourself. Then you have to state your understanding to the other person in language which will not be misunderstood.

Are you clear within your own understanding about this matter, Cynthia? In other words, are you certain that you do not feel obligated to give your boyfriend a blowjob just because he has an erection and wants to have an orgasm? Please look into this as deeply as possible, for it is not as simple a question as it may seem. For example, perhaps you feel that your boyfriend would look for sex elsewhere if you turned him down when he asked for oral sex, and so your fear of abandonment might be compelling you to provide the blowjob even though you yourself do not desire to have his penis in your mouth.

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Or, perhaps you have never fully understood that sex between lovers is not just a way for one person to relieve himself whenever he is feeling horny, but a form of communication of feelings and desires which goes back and forth between two people like words in a conversation, including, but not limited to, a conversation about horniness if that is part of the equation. If you are honest with yourself, you may find that really you are not clear on this point, for if you were clear on it, I doubt that you would have felt it necessary to seek my advice about this.

If and when you really do become clear within your own understanding about all this, then making it clear to your boyfriend should be as easy as pie. You simply tell him, using your own words, that you are not interested in having sex of any kind with him unless you also are desiring to be sexual, so that if he wants something physical from you, he will have to make an effort to make you want it too--not just demand it. If he cannot get that picture, start looking for a new boyfriend.

Be well.


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page last modified February 5, 2007



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