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Dear Dr. Saltzman -

I sent this question in a few months ago but didn't receive an answer. I thought I would try again.

I am 45 years old, female, married for 15 years. Last summer, on two occasions, I committed adultery. The man I committed adultery with was a 30 year old coworker. It was strictly physical between me and this other man. I have ended the relationship. What I can't understand is why the sex was so fabulous with my husband afterward. Both times, I had sex with my husband the next day and it was unbelievably great. Do you have any insight for me? I hate to think the only way to wow things in my bedroom is to go someplace else first.

Desperate Housewife

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Dear Desperate Housewife--

I do not recall having heard from you before, but I do receive a lot of mail. In any case, human sexuality is very complicated, and I cannot explain with any confidence why you would find sex with your husband more exciting after your episodes of cheating on him. However, I will offer two ideas that occur to me and perhaps one of these will ring a bell for you (but please keep in mind that since I have not met you, and know nothing besides the few words in your letter, these would only be guesses):

1. Breaking a taboo, such as the taboo against adultery can be exciting, and when you go back to your husband, having deceived him, you are completing the adulterous circle: husband--lover--back to husband again. Perhaps completing that circle makes having broken the taboo more "real," and therefore more exciting, to you.

2. Perhaps having sex with another man "refreshed your palate," if I can use those words which usually apply to food and wine, so that you were able to experience your husband's body and sexuality not so much as a habit (albeit a pleasant one), but more as if for the first time.

Be well.


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page last modified January 10, 2007



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