ask dr-robert

Hi,

In my place (third world, as named), we don't have access to consultation for such issues. But, I've been suffering from this problem for about 5 years; it got worse without realizing that or intending for. I'll try my best to explain it.

I can't make an eye contact without having a silly expression on my face and lips, not that I intend it; I just can't help controlling my facial expressions. Believe me, I was a master in talking with people, helping them out of their personal problems, offering them wise advices--as they told me--I really used to help them in a unique way, like a psychologist. . . all has gone away, I'm in a position that I'll do anything to know how to just chat with any one, I can't even chat with my 9 years old brother coz of this.

I'm a successful young lady, who have isolated her self from the world, avoids always talking to males and females, so as to avoid the whole situation that makes me and others feel uncomfortable, confused, weird from the way I look . . . . I got disconnected from people. My life is all about the dream of helping people out of problems, let them see how wonderful life is, but I can't even help my self. Don't know when this problem began, it's right that I'm shy, but not to the extent to act in this way with all people.

I try to focus on the other while talking, so as to shift my thinking from me to them so as to forget my problem, but it didn't work.

I really feel extremely disappointed and down and frustrated, I can't even talk to mom, a driver, seller, sister because I just can't control my face.

I have a great work opportunity that I'm considering to ignore because of this communication problem; I'm avoiding work meetings. I feel like stolen from my own self and dreams. I respect people and their feelings more then anything in this life, but I'm giving them an opposite feeling, can you imagine that?

I just can't explain how huge the problem is. . . but getting disconnected because of this is a real problem.

Please, please, please, please try to help me.

Many thanks



Thank you for writing. I will try to help you, but it is a bit difficult to do so at a distance, because this is the kind of problem that really needs face-to-face contact so that the therapist might become aware of the ways in which you avoid eye contact, as well as some other very subtle signs, feelings, and emotions. In fact, if this letter had come from someone in the so-called "developed world," I probably would not try to give a complete answer, but instead would suggest that the questioner find a therapist and begin psychotherapy.

But since you say that the kind of services I would ordinarily recommend are not available to you, I will take a shot at providing some kind of reply to your letter on the theory that some kind of help is better than nothing. However, please understand that the information you have given me is rather limited, so that my answer may also be limited, or perhaps not even apply correctly to you. In other words, I invite you to make use of my reply if you can, and if it feels helpful, but to take my words with a large grain of salt.

That said, often problems in controlling facial expressions and in making eye contact have their roots in a fear of or avoidance of sexuality. Perhaps, due learned religious guilt, or some other kind of guilt or shame that you were taught to feel in childhood, you have been keeping yourself from expressing your sexual needs and enjoying the sexual side of life which normally is part of the experience of any healthy young woman. Then, if expressing and enjoying sexuality has become a taboo for you, the pressure of unexpressed sexuality may build up to such an extent that you feel, more or less unconsciously, that if you would look directly into someone's eyes, or if you would allow your real facial expressions to be seen, then your hidden sexual need would be seen, and you would be embarrassed. Perhaps you even fear that if you were to look into another person's eyes openly, you might begin to speak or even to act out sexually in inappropriate ways.

As I say, all this may not apply to you, and without meeting you personally I am only guessing, but it is my best guess based on your letter, and it is what I consider an educated guess. If you feel that I might be correct, write again and let me know a bit more about yourself and your life. And please, just for my own curiosity, if you write again let me know where you live.

Be well.