Dear Dr. Robert,
I found your website while searching online and thought maybe you could help. I am so ashamed and embarrassed about my experience that I'm afraid to talk to anyone in person about it.
When I was about 11-13, I discovered porn on the internet and, in a sense, went "wild" looking at and reading it. It was that time in adolescence when one is so excited by and completely curious about all things sexual. I don't know why or how I became aware of it, but I also began curiously looking at bestiality pornography and also reading erotic stories about incest. I do remember feeling dirty about it at the time, but I eventually "got over it" and stopped obsessing about porn. The incident that I cannot get over and that I have extreme guilt about is one that happened when I was either 12 or 13. I guess after seeing bestiality porn and being curious about sex and how things felt, I attempted to get my dog to give me oral sex, and I attempted to get him to mount me, as well. I don't know if I actually wanted him to penetrate me or not. I think it was just some sort of curiosity about how it would feel. When the dog did not do the above, I actually humped the dog briefly (in an effort to somehow get the dog to realize I wanted him to do the same to me?? I don't know!). This only happened once, and I forgot about it completely until a year ago (I am now just shy of 21) when it sort of "resurfaced" at an event I attended about sexual assault/abuse. I can't get over the feeling that I sexually abused my dog! I feel like a child molester, and I don't know what to do!
After obsessing about this realization for several months, I gradually began to accept it, telling myself, "You were young, you didn't know what you were doing, and you were exposed to (illegal!) porn before you were really able to understand it; you were simply doing what you saw adults in the porn doing," and that got me by for a while. I have recently become very interested in domestic violence/sexual assault/abuse counseling, and these feelings of extreme guilt and regret have again resurfaced. I feel like a total hypocrite considering going into abuse counseling for others, while I, myself, feel like a perpetrator! I, like others, have considered that maybe I was sexually abused as a child, and perhaps that is what really led me to my pornographic interests at such a young age, but I have NO MEMORIES whatsoever, though I do have memories of strange things I did as a child. I recall experiencing episodes at the age of 8 or 9 of what I would now label OCD and experienced what I would consider a form of depression when I was just 10 years old. I also have a memory of when I was 7 or 8 in which I took a doll into the shower and fantasized that it was my baby and I was sticking in the water (abusing it physically). I don't know if any of these things are related or what. I know I should probably seek counseling to discuss issues of depression and OCD as a child, but I really desperately need help coping with what I did to my dog when I was 12-13. I feel like I am no better than a child molester or a rapist. Please help!